"Mexican" Food Rant

/rant on

Trying a new Mexican food place in SoCal is supposed to be a cool little adventure into the spicy side of life for us gringos, but I knew we were in trouble as soon as we walked into tonight's "Mexican" food place.

First of all, THIS is a jalapeno. It is a small pepper with a bunch of little seeds in it. It's hot. It's used in Mexican food. Obviously, the shit you served us tonight was not Mexican food, because it would have snivled like a five year old boy if you had farted jalapeno at it from the next room.



Come on "Mexican" food people. Get a friggin clue. My Sunday morning toast has more spice simply because the butter dish was next to the tobasco in the fridge. How can you call that stuff you served me tonight Mexican food? I want my salsa to cause tears on the level of being kicked in the balls by a small donkey. I want my guacamole to have a consistency other than the toothpaste that has been living in my sink for the last nine days. And for your information, shredded cheese is a topping, not a main dish. Except in a cheese enchilada, in which case, the seventeen pounds of cheese you added ON TOP of the cheese enchilada was about as a redundant as a third nipple.

To be fair, "Mexican" food place, it is not entirely your fault. When I entered your establishment, I noticed that every single table seemed to require a person that was either greater than sixty years old or less than ten. This is a sure tip off that the eating establishment is only going to serve gringo mexicano: White person Mexican food. This is Mexican food for the American tourist who is too poor to afford the ten bucks in gas too drive to Tijuana. I should have known that no child under ten in a Mexican food establishment should be smiling. They should be in tears at the mere mention of a real Mexican food place because they are worried that the salsa might burn their face off.

So you just keep on serving the senior citizens -- who wouldn't know a jalapeno from a foley catheter -- and the wee little ones who think a dry bean and cheese burrito is Mexican food. Me? I am going home to pick my own homegrown jalepenos and tomatoes and making salsa so I don't have to go rent a small donkey.

/rant off